Our Fertility Journey: Forever in My Heart-Waiting for the Day I Can Hold You in My Arms

 I’ve been drafting this in my head for days. It has been 5 days since our second child was born and even typing the word “second” feels surreal and still selfish. The selfishness comes from when I was yearning for just one.  Looking back at my first post, I need to tell that girl that her journey would be long and there would be times she would feel hopeless, lost, and alone. I would also tell her she needs to be strong because each bump on this treacherous road would lead her to exactly where she was meant to be.  I am not going to lie and say I was ever truly confident during this pregnancy. I was terrified  all the time. It was a version of PTSD where I kept waiting for the loss to happen. That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy and soak in carrying our second little one. I soaked in every minute, but I just made sure to leave enough of a guard up, just in case.  What I couldn’t have predicted was how successful this pregnancy would be. Every time I was met with a ...

  We all know Dr. Google can be pretty negative when all we really want is to find some reassuring news. This was all I wanted when I found out that the combination of my LEEP procedure (scraping early Cancer off my cervix) and IVF can lead to an incompetent cervix. An incompetent cervix is when your cervix basically can’t handle pregnancy and you deliver early without typical contractions.  My OB informed me they would be monitoring every two weeks from weeks 16 - 24 to measure and make sure no folding occurs. What did I do the minute I got in the car? I searched for any success stories, which ended up being hard to come by. My hope is that my success story will reassure others.  Biweekly Monitoring If you find yourself in this situation, you’ll get to see your little every two weeks with cute ultrasound pics included. It was really nice getting extra face time with our growing peanut. We also got to see his heartbeat  and, after three losses, this was really reassu...

It was March 16th and all of us at the office were told we would be working from home until further notice. The number of Covid-19 numbers were rising and it was evident, we were in the middle of a pandemic. My boss had us each come into his office to discuss what this new work-life would look like and I started crying. It had nothing to do with work, but I had an IVF transfer scheduled that Friday and was terrified this date I’ve prepared for would never happen.  March 20th We were actually one of the fortunate ones and were not turned away. We had to wear masks and were told of the risks, but were allowed to go through with it. I wore my lucky pineapple socks, a pineapple shirt, and listened to catchy tunes the whole way to Grand Rapids. We were greeted right away and had our temperatures checked. Once we passed the screening, we were lead to our room. They showed us a picture of our beautiful embryos and began the transfer. The whole process was so surreal. Here these two b...

I watched 3 YouTube videos on how to give myself an injection on my backside - This is infertility I’ve been injecting my body with hormones and taking pills because it’s broken and doesn’t do it on its own. - This is infertility I gave myself a pity party and cried because after 3 weeks of injections, there was a thicker and longer needle that would soon be part of my daily routine. I was tired of it all and just wanted to not have to do this. - This is infertility I follow a group of women on social media where some are just starting their journey and some have had it far worse than I have. I even have family and coworkers on their and we each know things about one another that those close to us may not. These women inspire me and sadden me because none of them deserve this. -This is infertility I get mad when people who constantly choose other people or things over their children yet continue to procreate. -This is infertility Pregnancy tests give me anxiety. -This is in...

It appears this body is not a baby making vessel. After 4 months of pills, injections, and assuming everything was a sign I was pregnant, not a single positive pregnancy test has resulted. Please don't be sad for me, though; I was secretly worried we would get pregnant, and I couldn't let that negatively affect my sweet boy. Plans B (IVF via embryo adoption) and Plan C (infant adoption) both would have similar, special stories in how they came to be which is what I prefer. Blood and DNA have nothing to do with family and just because we can't get pregnant "naturally" doesn't mean Edison won't have a sibling. So here we are at Plan B and I am so ready. I think..... My New Daily Companion Look at those beauties. Ever since I knew we were pursuing IVF, I knew injections would be part of it. It isn't like I haven't stuck a needle in me before. I did it once a month for several months. This is different, though. These will be a daily part of my...

Plans Change and Change Again Sometimes, I think God laughs at me when I make plans. I'd like to think he finds some moderate enjoyment in watching my mind work. The recent turn of events is a perfect example of that. I was sitting at my desk, at work, and taking a break to scroll Facebook. A guy I went to school with and his wife posted a picture from the day they officially adopted their son. Seeing their picture made me so grateful for how Edison came into our life and that he is ours. It also made me question our plan for IVF. It wasn't that I didn't wan't to do it, but I started contemplating embryo adoption instead. This seems like an odd shift given our reproductive bits checked out just fine; this means we can use our own embryos and would have decent chances at a successful pregnancy. Something inside me didn't want to use ours, though. I just kept thinking about these unborn, frozen babies, just waiting to be born. I thought about Edison's very spec...

Looking back at where this blog started and where our journey began is indescribable. I feel the term "blessed" is tossed around too often, but blessed is exactly how I feel. Our perfect little boy turned 1 in June and seeing the person he is becoming, even at 1 year of age, is exciting. He is adventurous yet cuddly, outgoing yet needs time to make sure he trusts you, and is confident and knows he is loved. When we first found out about him and the cost of adoption, we were more than OK with him being our one and only. We still share that mentality, but after he was four months old, my husband mentioned the idea of giving him a sibling. Having a child changes your perspective in many facets, which I  know all of my parent friends are well aware of, but what I didn't expect was that the wanting for another child has nothing to do with the parents, but for the first born. We want him to have a sibling if that is in God's plan. You are all keenly aware of our inability...

I can't believe this is my last post. I can still remember being a more innocent version of myself, newly married beginning our fertility journey. I had no idea the obstacles yet to overcome nor the precious ending. Yesterday was our final adoption hearing. It was surreal because we were already a family and he was already our son, but this was the final step in a 3 year journey to have our little one at last. I've said it a million times, and I will continue to say it- he was always meant be ours, we just had to find one another. There is nothing more we will ever need and the rest of our lives has officially begun..... Adoption Day 10/8/18 Our Beautiful Boy, There are no words to describe how much you mean to us, but we will do our best. There is a story that we read together a lot and there is this part where it says: Waiting for the day our paths would cross And you and I turned into we Oh, I've loved you since forever And forever's how long you...

Our beautiful boy is sitting beside me as I type this. My fingers will not give justice to the overwhelming joy our hearts feel, but I will try my best. On June 11th, at 3:09 am, we received the call that would change our lives forever... The Call The call came early on a Monday morning that was two days after his due date. My husband and I rushed to the hospital. We were joined with both of who created him which made it that much more beautiful. The contractions came hard and fast leaving us with little time as he made his appearance at 6:05 am. This moment will be engraved in us forever. There He Was I will always cherish the moments leading up to his birth and what transpired after. I breathed with his birth mother and rubbed her back. I wanted so bad to take away all of the physical pain she had as she was giving us this amazing gift. She couldn't have an epidural because we were too close which only added to my guilt. The nurse then asked her who she wanted t...

As I'm typing this, I can't believe that almost 5 months ago this amazing miracle was brought to us. What is even more astonishing is that in just over 6 weeks, we will get hold hold our little peanut. Our process has definitely been unconventional, and we are forever grateful for this. Many are unfamiliar with what the process is going forward so I thought I'd shed some light on that for you all. The Typical Adoption Path Vs Our Path When a couple decides they want to adopt, their process will typically goes as follows: Think about it< Find an Agency<Fill Out Paperwork< Home Study< Approval< Match (This can take 2 years after approval)< Baby Comes< Legal Risk Period< Breath< Final Paperwork Now here is our path: Informed of this amazing opportunity< Think About it< Meet birth mom and match ourselves< Find Agency< Paperwork< Approval< Baby Comes< Legal Risk Period< Breath< Final Paperwork We just fo...

After three miscarriages, I feel like I should be a pro at this point. In reflecting back on each one, it is clear they each have been more complicated than the last. The first lasted over 60 days. The second was a tad shorter but if you read our blog a year ago know that there were some complications with my blood work. When we were experiencing our third, I felt like maybe this one will be more straight forward and easier. I know saying the words easy and miscarriage in the same paragraph seem wrong, but when you've gone through what we have, you can say whatever you want. Needless to say, my third was definitely not as simple as I thought it would be. For those who haven't joined the land of the infertile, pregnancy is a lot different. You pee on a stick and celebrate the happy news. At 8 weeks you go to the doctor and hear your baby's heartbeat and the joy continues. For those who see a fertility specialist or take fertility meds, there is more to it than that. Yes, y...

My Dear Little Peanut, You came to us at such an unexpected time. We had a plan and knew your brother was coming in June. When we first found out about you, I think my reaction was different than the rest because I just didn’t think you’d come so soon. I always heard of those getting pregnant after adopting, but this just seemed quick. I also was worried, because I wanted to be able to give my best to both of you and worried I wouldn’t be able to with how close in age you’d be. I’m so sorry that your life with us was spent with my worries. I’m also sorry my guard was up. When you experience loss like this so many times, you almost grow numb to it. Please know that doesn’t mean you were not loved. In fact, you always will be. You are with your two other siblings in a world I haven’t gotten to see yet, but we will be reunited later in life and I will get to hold you. For now, I ask that you be a guardian angel to your brother on earth that will soon join us. This loss was different...

Today is one of my favorite days. Today was the day we met our baby. We got to see their little face, heartbeat, hands, feet, legs, and everything else. My heart is already so full and we still have months to go before they grace us with their beautiful presence. He or she (revealed below) is due June 9th and we cannot wait.

For those who know me even a little, they are fully aware of how much of a planner I am. Even if I am sitting still, my mind is likely still racing and planning the next.....whatever there is to plan. You'd think by 32 that I would have learned by now that life does NOT work that way. I have a little. Obviously by now I thought we would have had a little toddler running around and that has not come to be. So when an unexpected miracle came into our life, I was definitely thrown completely off and in a big, bad, beautiful way.  The Planny Mcplannertons is learning to just embrace because I have no idea what my future stores, but I do know the big guy upstairs is looking out.  You'll see why soon. I was home sick December 7th, which worked out well because that was the 2 year mark since our 1st miscarriage. I know two years have passed, but you never get over it. You simply learn to live with it. I laid low and started binge watching This is Us, which was such a dumb idea due ...

After peeing on a stick to see if we are ovulating for the past ten days and still not seeing the result I want, I am just over it today. It will be fine and all work out- I do know this, but right now I just want to vent about how dumb my body is. It's like you have one job........  Instead of typing out my rant, I decided to vlog as the cool kids call it. Again, I know things will all work out and I have a lot to be grateful for, but sometimes you just need to call the baby ugly (I know, bad joke). 

I’m a firm believer that all things work out in the end and that most of us get to look back and know why the dark times had to happen. With that said, I also think it’s important to allow yourself to feel what needs to be felt. So for right now, I’m bitter.  My husband and I are sitting on the couch and both of us just want to punch a wall. Our due date was tomorrow, which means we should either be holding our little one or getting ready to meet him or her. But no, that didn’t happen and this tiny little life was taken from us. A great big f*ck you from the world to us. It’s like we’re in this club we didn’t ask to be in. A club where the members pay a fee in tears from wanting something so bad but either aren’t  able to have it, or to have it for a short time before it’s taken. What kills more than anything is seeing your husband go through it too. To see this man who has always been my rock and constant beacon of light, fight his own battle and worry if he’ll ever be a ...

I have such mixed emotions about October this year. It’s usually one of my favorite months with the colors of the leaves, the clear blue skies with crisp temps that force you to wear a light jacket, and the sense of calm it brings.  This month has a lot of fun plans too with weddings, a weekend getaway, and lots of fun with friends and family planned.  With that said, I still can’t get a certain date out of my mind. October 14th was our due date. The fact that we even had a due date made it seem that much more real. I remember receiving the paperwork for what not to eat and then my doctor told us we were due October 14th.  I have done well at keeping this off my mind, but now that it’s October, I can’t stop thinking about it.  So full disclosure, October you suck and I wish you’d hurry up and get over with.  None of what I just said sounds like me, but I’ve learned from this that going through miscarriages changes you. Yes, I’m still positive and have faith we...

I'm feeling reflective today.  In less than one month, my husband and I will be married for two years, which means two years of trying, begging, praying, and pleading to have a baby. Thank goodness I married my soulmate because there is nobody else better to go through this than him.  He has been my constant rock and made me laugh when I wanted to ball, cried with me when life was heartbreaking, said prayers with me before every pregnancy test, and been positive when I did't have the energy.  He deserves the world and I just can't wait for him to be a dad because he will be the absolute BEST. Even though it has been two years, there have been many gaps in the timeline which is reassuring and frustrating all in one. August 2015- The baby making party begins. December 2015- Miscarry after getting pregnant on our second try. March 2016- Miscarriage finally subsided and I had my first appointment with my OBGYN after moving, in which we get tested and she says she is r...

I have been waiting to post updates until I had my follow up appointment after we lost our 2nd little one.  Little did I know all of the utter crap that would ensue and delay such an update.  It was supposed to be simple.  I would see my fertility specialist to get an ultrasound and make sure all was well in my lady business, then follow-up with the next action plan.  When am I going to realize I can't assume it will all go according to plan?  If you are wondering what in the world I am talking about, see my timeline of events below: Post Miscarriage Follow-Up: I met with Dr. Shavell March 27th.  She did an ultrasound and verified everything looked good.  This part made me bitter.  To me, everything looking good would mean by baby was still there, but that wasn't her fault.  The next step was to get blood drawn.  After two miscarriages, she does a panel of tests to see what could be causing it.  The first round of tests was to ...

To Our Little Peanut, I really thought my next open letter would be to our rainbow baby.  The baby that survived following our last miscarriage.  To my extreme sadness, this letter is not that.  On February 4th, 2017, we found out we were 4 weeks pregnant for you.  I'll never forget the instant tears and placing my hand on my stomach, telling you how much we loved you begging you to stay with us.  I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you, I just wanted you to stay so badly.  The longer time went on, the more confident we were that you really were going to be with us always.  We had your names picked out and constantly talked about what kind of parents we wanted to be for you.  We talked to you everyday and your daddy always put his hand over you so you knew how much loved you too.  We even got to see early stages of you on an ultrasound which made it that much more real.  I had your picture posted on my screen saver and on our shelf. ...