Our Fertility Journey: Forever in My Heart-Waiting for the Day I Can Hold You in My Arms

To My Sweet Little Angel, I've been drafting this letter in my heart for sometime now.  I think I've been avoiding it because I didn't trust myself to keep it together and honestly, I probably won't, but I have to get it all out and it feels appropriate to do it today of all days.  It is December 7th, 2016 and it has been a year since I lost you.  Even typing that rips my heart into a thousand little pieces.  I am writing this for you because I need you to know that I love you and no matter where life takes me, you will always be my first child and my little angel.  Please know this letter will probably not flow and mostly be comprised of random thoughts and emotions, but the underlying message to remember is that I am still so blessed I had you for the short time that I did and I will always, always love and think about you. Your dad and I first found out we were pregnant with you Saturday, December 5th.  I remember we went car shopping because well, your mom has a

I can't thank everyone enough for their continued prayers, positive thoughts, and words of encouragement.  After my last post, life went back to normal and I regained my strength again. I think the hardest part was waiting two weeks to heal properly which meant my running went out the window and I didn't feel like my energetic self.  Luckily it went by fast and I was quick to recover.  My post op appointment was Monday, September 19th and as I began that sunny drive to Mason, I turned the radio off to say a prayer and was then on my way.  I am so glad I did. The doctor met me in this mini-conference room where she gave me an update of how the surgery went and showed me those lovely pictures you all got to see on my last post.  She was happy with the surgery and her confidence made me feel good about it.  She also told me the polyps were benign (I kind of forgot they even checked to see if they were Cancerous which is a totally normal precaution), so that was great to hear!  S

I must forewarn you before reading further that this post will get quite technical so if you have a weak stomach or prefer to avoid anything related to the female reproductive system, please stop reading and go about your day.  Today's post is to give a run down of our recent events with discovering I had a septum in my uterus, which likely caused our miscarriage in December, and the surgery that removed it.   Pre-Surgery: As my previous posts indicated, Dr. Shavell, from the Fertility Center in Grand Rapids, looked at my results from my records from my OBGYN that showed I had a Bicornuate Uterus, which basically means it looks like an upside down heart.  The typical uterus looks like a heart without the actual heart shape indenting.  This is pretty normal and can lead to successful pregnancies.  However, Dr. Shavell wanted to look further into it and found it wasn't a heart at all, but a septum dividing my uterus into two parts.  This septum is likely where our fertilized

If God blesses us with a Rainbow baby, we will for sure be doing the powerful image in the article below. Rainbow Baby Photo Shoot

Huffington Post Article on Sharing the Journey and the Rainbow Babies

I didn't expect to have an update this soon, but what I need to realize is I need to stop having any expectations.  I have no clue which obstacles will continue, how high or low the hills will be, and there is not a single thing I can do about it.  The reason I say this is because I didn't think my appointment on Monday to have the ultrasound would be a big deal.  My husband, Tim, insisted my mom come with me since he had to work and I asked her even though I saw no point.  This wasn't supposed to be a big appointment and I already knew what the situation was.  I knew I had a heart-shaped uterus so what else was there to worry about?  Wrong again. As I'm sitting on the table with the nurse examining my lady business, I asked her what she saw.  Of course she played it safe and told me my doctor would go over everything with me.  She was nice about it, but it still annoyed me.  Just tell me already, no your not a doctor but you also know what you are looking at.  Luck

I've waited a bit to update because frankly, I needed a break.  For those of you who truly know me, know that I can obsess and let my eagerness to control everything about my life get the best of me.  So after my last appointment, I went on vacation with my husband and tried to find my "zen."  I'm not saying I am a Yoga enthusiast with Indian tattoos everywhere,  who thinks everything is a spiritual experience......although I did try Yoga for the first time today and wow I suck......but back to my point.  I had my last appointment with my OBGYN July 30th and left feeling discouraged.  On a previous post, I mentioned how I felt reassured after having the HSG done because the OBGYN on call said I did have a heart-shaoed uterus, but that some women do and that's okay.  She also said my doctor would probably put me back on Chlomid since that got us pregnant in December.  So I went into my appointment with expectations and if I could teach any of you one thing it would

Many of us have heard the common phrase, "There should be an app for that."  Well my friends, there is an abundance of fertility apps and if you are anything like me, you want to make sure you are using the best one.  I was using Period Diary, which did a good job of having me track my periods, estimate when I was fertile and ovulating, as well as track how I was feeling.  It wasn't until a co-worker, friend, and fellow TTC (trying to conceive) buddy helped me find one even better.  So if you are TTC, you need to download the Ovia Fertility app. This app not only tracks your period, fertility window, and ovulation, but does much, much more.  For starters, it gives you a fertility score which lets you know just how fertile you are depending on how far along in your cycle you are.  For those with complex cycles that may run less or greater than 28 days, it adjusts to your cycle so you can better plan.  It also has over hundreds of questions to help you develop ideas of wh

I thought it fitting to have my first real fertility appointment with my new doctor during the week of my birthday.  It made sense with beginning a new year of life and I feel good about my doctor.  She was able to reassure me that it's okay and we can still get pregnant.  I think it's important to hear any positivity in these situations and any doctor who can provide that no matter the circumstance is a hero in my book. She not only reassured me with the fact that we did get pregnant, but also that she had her son at the age of 35, so this whole clock dwindling concept is silly.  I left that appointment with directions to get an HSG done which basically determines if your fallopian tubes flow properly and addresses my "upside down-heart-shaped uterus."  There is a much fancier term for it (bicornuate uterus), but I prefer my catchy phrase. The test was today and for those of you who have not experienced it, they tell you it feels like your worst period cramp.  My

Courtesy of Buzzfeed Infertility Humor

My boss asked me the most random question yesterday.  She asked if I had any pets. I laughed and said no, then my co worker raved about her cat.  It was an interesting conversation to say the least.  It wasn't until a few minutes later when our other supervisor was handing out flowers to all of the mothers that I realized why she asked.  Even though I don't have a pet, I still got a flower.  It was so nice to be included. Fast forward to 5pm and I was balling on my car.  Why, you ask?  This was going to be my first Mother's Day and my heart was broken just thinking about it. It never occurred to me that this day would affect me so.  I feel terrible for not thinking of those who have lost their little ones on Mother's Day before.  So yes, Mother's Day will be more difficult this year, but I had a revelation this morning.  I'm still a mother.  Our baby was alive while inside of me and when he/she passed, he/she went to Heaven and is simply alive but in a new fo

As I'm driving home from work today, I randomly think about my fertility app on my phone. I won't tell you that I actually updated my calendar while driving....but back to my point.  So I updated where my lovely lady business is in regards to ovulating and "aunt flow." Then this beautiful message pops up, your fertility window is open .  This may seem silly, but that phrase became a symbol of hope and new beginnings for me.  For you to understand why, I think some updates are in order. After the miscarriage and Christmas season, I made a decision to leave my job.  Something just clicked and I had to make a change.  I am not saying the job itself is what caused the miscarriage, but I do believe the lifestyle I was living did.  My job was almost 24-7 and I hadn't found a way to turn it off when I was home.  None of that was conducive to having a child.  So I searched for jobs I knew would still provide the mental challenge I yearned for, similar income, yet better

My sweet husband randomly thought of a song that reminded him of our little angel.  He wanted to share that moment with me and we listened to it thinking of our little one.  I have to admit, I still break down when thinking of how much I miss her. (I'm still convinced it was a girl.). Below are the lyrics to the song.  Obviously, not all of it applies since we planned to be pregnant, but the sentiment is just as meaningful.  So to anyone out there who has been there.  I share this moment with you.  If you want to listen to the song, YouTube Ten by Yellowcard. S I found out in the fall I've been gone On the road for a year She said, "Honey, I've got real bad news" and Then there were just tears And we would never be the same again Since then I've often wondered What you might have been like How it would have felt to hold you, Would you have my eyes? Don't you think we would've been best friends? You would be ten and I'd be Driving you t