October Will Still be a Great Month

I have such mixed emotions about October this year. It’s usually one of my favorite months with the colors of the leaves, the clear blue skies with crisp temps that force you to wear a light jacket, and the sense of calm it brings. This month has a lot of fun plans too with weddings, a weekend getaway, and lots of fun with friends and family planned. With that said, I still can’t get a certain date out of my mind.

October 14th was our due date. The fact that we even had a due date made it seem that much more real. I remember receiving the paperwork for what not to eat and then my doctor told us we were due October 14th. I have done well at keeping this off my mind, but now that it’s October, I can’t stop thinking about it. So full disclosure, October you suck and I wish you’d hurry up and get over with. None of what I just said sounds like me, but I’ve learned from this that going through miscarriages changes you. Yes, I’m still positive and have faith we will be parents, but that doesn’t mean I’m not human. It’s devastating to think at what point in my pregnancy I would be right now. I’d be exactly two weeks from my due date with this beautiful round stomach filled with our tiny human. Right now it’s just empty and feels so hollow. I’ve noticed that as well after two pregnancy losses- each one takes a part of you away that I don’t think you ever get back.

I know it will all be ok. We go through things in our lives that can tear us to shreds, but we survive and learn how to move forward. It’s important to allow yourself to experience the pain, but address it, embrace it, and then keep going. You just have to. So I will think about our little angel and wish it a happy birthday in heaven on October 14th, and I know I’ll cry, but there are happy times ahead and happy memories to make. So, October, bring it. I am ready for you.

To my fellow sisters with angels, my heart is forever with you. <3

Comments

We are Fighters

I didn't expect to have an update this soon, but what I need to realize is I need to stop having any expectations. I have no clue which obstacles will continue, how high or low the hills will be, and there is not a single thing I can do about it. The reason I say this is because I didn't think my appointment on Monday to have the ultrasound would be a big deal. My husband, Tim, insisted my mom come with me since he had to work and I asked her even though I saw no point. This wasn't supposed to be a big appointment and I already knew what the situation was. I knew I had a heart-shaped uterus so what else was there to worry about? Wrong again. As I'm sitting on the table with the nurse examining my lady business, I asked her what she saw. Of course she played it safe and told me my doctor would go over everything with me. She was nice about it, but it still annoyed me. Just tell me already, no your not a doctor but you also know what you are looking at. Luck

New Beginnings

I’ve been drafting this in my head for days. It has been 5 days since our second child was born and even typing the word “second” feels surreal and still selfish. The selfishness comes from when I was yearning for just one. Looking back at my first post, I need to tell that girl that her journey would be long and there would be times she would feel hopeless, lost, and alone. I would also tell her she needs to be strong because each bump on this treacherous road would lead her to exactly where she was meant to be. I am not going to lie and say I was ever truly confident during this pregnancy. I was terrified all the time. It was a version of PTSD where I kept waiting for the loss to happen. That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy and soak in carrying our second little one. I soaked in every minute, but I just made sure to leave enough of a guard up, just in case. What I couldn’t have predicted was how successful this pregnancy would be. Every time I was met with a scare, this little one s

A Competent Cervix Success Story After a LEEP and IVF

We all know Dr. Google can be pretty negative when all we really want is to find some reassuring news. This was all I wanted when I found out that the combination of my LEEP procedure (scraping early Cancer off my cervix) and IVF can lead to an incompetent cervix. An incompetent cervix is when your cervix basically can’t handle pregnancy and you deliver early without typical contractions. My OB informed me they would be monitoring every two weeks from weeks 16 - 24 to measure and make sure no folding occurs. What did I do the minute I got in the car? I searched for any success stories, which ended up being hard to come by. My hope is that my success story will reassure others. Biweekly Monitoring If you find yourself in this situation, you’ll get to see your little every two weeks with cute ultrasound pics included. It was really nice getting extra face time with our growing peanut. We also got to see his heartbeat and, after three losses, this was really reassuring. These ultraso

Our Fertility Journey: Forever in My Heart-Waiting for the Day I Can Hold You in My Arms

Search This Blog