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October Will Still be a Great Month

I have such mixed emotions about October this year. It’s usually one of my favorite months with the colors of the leaves, the clear blue skies with crisp temps that force you to wear a light jacket, and the sense of calm it brings.  This month has a lot of fun plans too with weddings, a weekend getaway, and lots of fun with friends and family planned.  With that said, I still can’t get a certain date out of my mind.

October 14th was our due date. The fact that we even had a due date made it seem that much more real. I remember receiving the paperwork for what not to eat and then my doctor told us we were due October 14th.  I have done well at keeping this off my mind, but now that it’s October, I can’t stop thinking about it.  So full disclosure, October you suck and I wish you’d hurry up and get over with.  None of what I just said sounds like me, but I’ve learned from this that going through miscarriages changes you. Yes, I’m still positive and have faith we will be parents, but that doesn’t mean I’m not human. It’s devastating to think at what point in my pregnancy I would be right now. I’d be exactly two weeks from my due date with this beautiful round stomach filled with our tiny human. Right now it’s just empty and feels so hollow. I’ve noticed that as well after two pregnancy losses- each one takes a part of you away that I don’t think you ever get back.

I know it will all be ok. We go through things in our lives that can tear us to shreds, but we survive and learn how to move forward.  It’s important to allow yourself to experience the pain, but address it, embrace it, and then keep going. You just have to. So I will think about our little angel and wish it a happy birthday in heaven on October 14th, and I know I’ll cry, but there are happy times ahead and happy memories to make. So, October, bring it. I am ready for you.

To my fellow sisters with angels, my heart is forever with you. <3


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