Our Fertility Journey: Forever in My Heart-Waiting for the Day I Can Hold You in My Arms

I thought it fitting to have my first real fertility appointment with my new doctor during the week of my birthday.  It made sense with beginning a new year of life and I feel good about my doctor.  She was able to reassure me that it's okay and we can still get pregnant.  I think it's important to hear any positivity in these situations and any doctor who can provide that no matter the circumstance is a hero in my book. She not only reassured me with the fact that we did get pregnant, but also that she had her son at the age of 35, so this whole clock dwindling concept is silly.  I left that appointment with directions to get an HSG done which basically determines if your fallopian tubes flow properly and addresses my "upside down-heart-shaped uterus."  There is a much fancier term for it (bicornuate uterus), but I prefer my catchy phrase. The test was today and for those of you who have not experienced it, they tell you it feels like your worst period cramp.  My

Courtesy of Buzzfeed Infertility Humor

My boss asked me the most random question yesterday.  She asked if I had any pets. I laughed and said no, then my co worker raved about her cat.  It was an interesting conversation to say the least.  It wasn't until a few minutes later when our other supervisor was handing out flowers to all of the mothers that I realized why she asked.  Even though I don't have a pet, I still got a flower.  It was so nice to be included. Fast forward to 5pm and I was balling on my car.  Why, you ask?  This was going to be my first Mother's Day and my heart was broken just thinking about it. It never occurred to me that this day would affect me so.  I feel terrible for not thinking of those who have lost their little ones on Mother's Day before.  So yes, Mother's Day will be more difficult this year, but I had a revelation this morning.  I'm still a mother.  Our baby was alive while inside of me and when he/she passed, he/she went to Heaven and is simply alive but in a new fo