Our Fertility Journey: Forever in My Heart-Waiting for the Day I Can Hold You in My Arms

I’m a firm believer that all things work out in the end and that most of us get to look back and know why the dark times had to happen. With that said, I also think it’s important to allow yourself to feel what needs to be felt. So for right now, I’m bitter.  My husband and I are sitting on the couch and both of us just want to punch a wall. Our due date was tomorrow, which means we should either be holding our little one or getting ready to meet him or her. But no, that didn’t happen and this tiny little life was taken from us. A great big f*ck you from the world to us. It’s like we’re in this club we didn’t ask to be in. A club where the members pay a fee in tears from wanting something so bad but either aren’t  able to have it, or to have it for a short time before it’s taken. What kills more than anything is seeing your husband go through it too. To see this man who has always been my rock and constant beacon of light, fight his own battle and worry if he’ll ever be a father...

I have such mixed emotions about October this year. It’s usually one of my favorite months with the colors of the leaves, the clear blue skies with crisp temps that force you to wear a light jacket, and the sense of calm it brings.  This month has a lot of fun plans too with weddings, a weekend getaway, and lots of fun with friends and family planned.  With that said, I still can’t get a certain date out of my mind. October 14th was our due date. The fact that we even had a due date made it seem that much more real. I remember receiving the paperwork for what not to eat and then my doctor told us we were due October 14th.  I have done well at keeping this off my mind, but now that it’s October, I can’t stop thinking about it.  So full disclosure, October you suck and I wish you’d hurry up and get over with.  None of what I just said sounds like me, but I’ve learned from this that going through miscarriages changes you. Yes, I’m still positive and have faith we will be parents, but th