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It’s OK to be Bitter

I’m a firm believer that all things work out in the end and that most of us get to look back and know why the dark times had to happen. With that said, I also think it’s important to allow yourself to feel what needs to be felt. So for right now, I’m bitter.  My husband and I are sitting on the couch and both of us just want to punch a wall. Our due date was tomorrow, which means we should either be holding our little one or getting ready to meet him or her. But no, that didn’t happen and this tiny little life was taken from us. A great big f*ck you from the world to us.

It’s like we’re in this club we didn’t ask to be in. A club where the members pay a fee in tears from wanting something so bad but either aren’t  able to have it, or to have it for a short time before it’s taken.

What kills more than anything is seeing your husband go through it too. To see this man who has always been my rock and constant beacon of light, fight his own battle and worry if he’ll ever be a father.......it breaks my heart. Fear not my love, one way or another, you will be a dad and the best one.

I wish I could go back nine months and place my hand on my stomach more, talk to our little peanut, and get more time. I wish I was lying in a hospital bed holding our baby for the first time. I wish I was taking our baby home and wondering how the hell we’ll keep this living being alive. More than anything, I wish I didn’t have this hallow feeling inside me that has had to evolve twice now.

So yes, we are bitter today to say the least. We were supposed to be parents this weekend. But this will pass. We will make it past this weekend and laugh, smile, live our lives, and move past the pain. We’re survivors and I know there will be a light at the end of this tunnel. We will be parents and all of this will make sense. Maybe it won’t make sense, but it will all be worth it.

To our two tiny angels in Heaven. We love and miss you everyday. If you could watch over us this weekend especially, we would be forever grateful. Love, Mom and Dad.....

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