Our Fertility Journey: Forever in My Heart-Waiting for the Day I Can Hold You in My Arms

After peeing on a stick to see if we are ovulating for the past ten days and still not seeing the result I want, I am just over it today. It will be fine and all work out- I do know this, but right now I just want to vent about how dumb my body is. It's like you have one job........  Instead of typing out my rant, I decided to vlog as the cool kids call it. Again, I know things will all work out and I have a lot to be grateful for, but sometimes you just need to call the baby ugly (I know, bad joke). 

I’m a firm believer that all things work out in the end and that most of us get to look back and know why the dark times had to happen. With that said, I also think it’s important to allow yourself to feel what needs to be felt. So for right now, I’m bitter.  My husband and I are sitting on the couch and both of us just want to punch a wall. Our due date was tomorrow, which means we should either be holding our little one or getting ready to meet him or her. But no, that didn’t happen and this tiny little life was taken from us. A great big f*ck you from the world to us. It’s like we’re in this club we didn’t ask to be in. A club where the members pay a fee in tears from wanting something so bad but either aren’t  able to have it, or to have it for a short time before it’s taken. What kills more than anything is seeing your husband go through it too. To see this man who has always been my rock and constant beacon of light, fight his own battle and worry if he’ll ever be a father...

I have such mixed emotions about October this year. It’s usually one of my favorite months with the colors of the leaves, the clear blue skies with crisp temps that force you to wear a light jacket, and the sense of calm it brings.  This month has a lot of fun plans too with weddings, a weekend getaway, and lots of fun with friends and family planned.  With that said, I still can’t get a certain date out of my mind. October 14th was our due date. The fact that we even had a due date made it seem that much more real. I remember receiving the paperwork for what not to eat and then my doctor told us we were due October 14th.  I have done well at keeping this off my mind, but now that it’s October, I can’t stop thinking about it.  So full disclosure, October you suck and I wish you’d hurry up and get over with.  None of what I just said sounds like me, but I’ve learned from this that going through miscarriages changes you. Yes, I’m still positive and have faith we will be parents, but th

I'm feeling reflective today.  In less than one month, my husband and I will be married for two years, which means two years of trying, begging, praying, and pleading to have a baby. Thank goodness I married my soulmate because there is nobody else better to go through this than him.  He has been my constant rock and made me laugh when I wanted to ball, cried with me when life was heartbreaking, said prayers with me before every pregnancy test, and been positive when I did't have the energy.  He deserves the world and I just can't wait for him to be a dad because he will be the absolute BEST. Even though it has been two years, there have been many gaps in the timeline which is reassuring and frustrating all in one. August 2015- The baby making party begins. December 2015- Miscarry after getting pregnant on our second try. March 2016- Miscarriage finally subsided and I had my first appointment with my OBGYN after moving, in which we get tested and she says she is ref

I have been waiting to post updates until I had my follow up appointment after we lost our 2nd little one.  Little did I know all of the utter crap that would ensue and delay such an update.  It was supposed to be simple.  I would see my fertility specialist to get an ultrasound and make sure all was well in my lady business, then follow-up with the next action plan.  When am I going to realize I can't assume it will all go according to plan?  If you are wondering what in the world I am talking about, see my timeline of events below: Post Miscarriage Follow-Up: I met with Dr. Shavell March 27th.  She did an ultrasound and verified everything looked good.  This part made me bitter.  To me, everything looking good would mean by baby was still there, but that wasn't her fault.  The next step was to get blood drawn.  After two miscarriages, she does a panel of tests to see what could be causing it.  The first round of tests was to see if I had a blood clot disorder.  This can

To Our Little Peanut, I really thought my next open letter would be to our rainbow baby.  The baby that survived following our last miscarriage.  To my extreme sadness, this letter is not that.  On February 4th, 2017, we found out we were 4 weeks pregnant for you.  I'll never forget the instant tears and placing my hand on my stomach, telling you how much we loved you begging you to stay with us.  I'm sorry I put so much pressure on you, I just wanted you to stay so badly.  The longer time went on, the more confident we were that you really were going to be with us always.  We had your names picked out and constantly talked about what kind of parents we wanted to be for you.  We talked to you everyday and your daddy always put his hand over you so you knew how much loved you too.  We even got to see early stages of you on an ultrasound which made it that much more real.  I had your picture posted on my screen saver and on our shelf.  I just wanted to see you any chance I coul