An Open Letter to Our Angel Baby

To My Sweet Little Angel,

I've been drafting this letter in my heart for sometime now. I think I've been avoiding it because I didn't trust myself to keep it together and honestly, I probably won't, but I have to get it all out and it feels appropriate to do it today of all days. It is December 7th, 2016 and it has been a year since I lost you. Even typing that rips my heart into a thousand little pieces. I am writing this for you because I need you to know that I love you and no matter where life takes me, you will always be my first child and my little angel. Please know this letter will probably not flow and mostly be comprised of random thoughts and emotions, but the underlying message to remember is that I am still so blessed I had you for the short time that I did and I will always, always love and think about you.

Your dad and I first found out we were pregnant with you Saturday, December 5th. I remember we went car shopping because well, your mom has a terrible driving record and needed a new car. In the picture below, you were in my tummy and I was only hours away from finding out.

I took a pregnancy test that night because I was a few weeks late and wondered if we could be pregnant for you. I really didn't think we were because we had only been trying to have you for 2 months and Mommy always new the road to having you would never be easy. I was so happy to find out I was wrong when I saw that bright, blue line. I hugged your daddy and cried such happy tears. The next day I woke up and went to buy two other tests just because it felt too good to be true. I am sorry for doubting you were there and hope you know I was just so happy and fearful. Both tests proved me wrong and your dad and I spent the rest of the day guessing if we thought you were a boy or girl and what names we wanted. Your dad really thought you'd be a girl so we kept calling you by the name we chose. We talked to you a lot that day and joked about how silly your parents were. It was such a wonderful day.

The next day was Monday, December 7th and I remember I had a bad feeling. I was worried something was going to happen and on my way to work, I placed my hand on my tummy and told you I loved you and begged you to stay with me. I feel so bad for putting so much pressure on you. Your tiny soul had no control over any of this and here I was begging you to stay with me. I remember feeling calmer once I went to work and went about my day. I even made an appointment with my doctor for the next day because we figured you were about 5 weeks along and wanted to check to make sure everything was ok. Things changed in a matter of hours. I'll never forget the exact moment I knew I was losing you. I went into the bathroom and just cried. I wanted to do anything I could to bring you back, but there was nothing I could do. The emptiness and loss I felt was indescribable and I would't wish it on anyone. Later that day your dad drove me home and we stopped and got pizza because we did't know what else to do and pizza seemed to be comfort food. Later, he held me on the couch and let me cry in his arms even in the middle of the night. The next day I woke up to a beautiful letter he wrote you.

I've only been able to read it a few times because the truth in his words and how much I miss you can be overwhelming.

Since that sad day, I've had some good moments where I feel positive and know that there was a reason this happened. The there are other days where I hate all of it and feel so sad and long for you. You were with me for almost 5 weeks and I only knew you for 2 days. I keep another picture close to me because it was also a time where I had no idea you were with me and it's the only proof I have of you in our lives.

In this picture I was holding another baby and just praying for the day I would have one, but you were there all along saying I'm here mom, right here. Gosh, I miss you.

I want to thank you. Thank you for coming into our life. Our love for you is unending and we know we have a little guardian angel watching over us. After we lost you, you made me reflect on my life and choices I made. You got me to realize that I needed to find a better life-work balance and how important it was to live close to family. You literally turned my whole world around and made me happier for it. Most importantly, thank you for your beautiful little soul which is so loved.

Sometimes I feel ridicules for taking this all so hard. I know so many who had their littles so much longer and lost them before they could hold them. They carried their angel babies for 6,7, even 8 months. Other lost their babies after they did get to hold them. Then here I am with only having you for 5 weeks, but I don't think it is the time that matters. It is the fact that no matter for how long, once mommies know their babies are there, that connection is instant and never goes away. It is for that reason that I promise to never forget about you. Life will evolve and I will have other babies, but nobody will ever replace you. You were my first and always will be.

Now that it has been a year, I think it's time I move forward. I have been stuck in this rollercoaster of raw emotions where I randomly cry thinking about you or what could have been. I am glad I allowed myself to feel it all because that's what made it real. You were and are real to me and always will be. I love you and promise you'll always have a piece of my heart and I will continue to think of you in my prayers and special moments.