Our Fertility Journey: Forever in My Heart-Waiting for the Day I Can Hold You in My Arms

I must preface this by saying that the story does not end well.  It began Saturday when I took a pregnancy test.  Tim and I did not expect anything from it, but were pleasantly surprised to see it was positive.  The tears, curse words, and hugs in the bathroom will always be cherished.  Being the skeptics that we are, I took two more tests Sunday at which both proved to be positive.  As you can imagine we were thrilled and loved our little peanut instantly.  Tim was convinced it was a girl and we even started calling her Josephine.  In the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't fully get my hopes up until I heard from the doctor.  I was spotting which is known as implantation bleeding.  This typically lasts 1-2 days.  Mine was beginning to last 3-4.  Everything I researched indicated this could lead to a miscarriage.  Monday after lunch, I began bleeding heavily and knew what I feared was happening.  Tuesday I saw the doctor a...

Judging by my title, I am sure you can tell the 21 day blood test proved to be less than ideal.  In my eternal optimistic mind, the test would have shown I ovulated.  I wasn't even being that demanding and asking for a baby, just to know that I am ovulating which would help reassure me this whole process will get better.  Instead my progesterone levels were a .5 which indicates I did not ovulate.  You see, after you ovulate your progesterone raises quite a bit and well....... a .5 just doesn't cut it.  My doctor was better at presenting this information during his phone call.  He was also pleased to hear I had menstruated on my own last month.  He indicated the next step was to increase my Chlomid yet again by 50 mg.  I began with 50, went to 100, and will now be taking 150.  Who knows, maybe we'll get 6 little bundles of cuteness out of this......a girl can dream.  He then indicated if this did not work, he would send me to a specialist...

I must preface this by stating I am not claiming to be psychic.  I did, however, have a vision or picture if you will of our little girl.  No, I am not pregnant that I know of, but I could see her.  She had dark brown hair with big brown eyes.  The way her eyes and mouth looked when she smiled was this incredible combination of Tim and I.  Who knows.  Maybe we will have a boy, maybe a girl, maybe both, maybe niether, but I had to document my vision and this little angel that gave me this undeniable yearning to hold her with my unyielding, unconditonal love. So to our sweet Josephine, if we ever have the blessed opportunity to meet, I promise to love you and take care of you for always.

I do apologize for the lack of updates.  Apparently this whole fertility process is not as clean cut as I had hoped.  Last we spoke, I updated you on what I was diagnosed with, was taking my first round of Chlomid, and was supposed to get my 21 day blood test a few weeks later. The Chlomid definitely gave me, what I like to call, Chlomid Moments.  Chlomid Moments can be extreme hot flashes in which even your birthday suit isn't relief enough or irrational amounts of crying due to easily hurt feelings.  In all honesty though, it wasn't that bad.  The hot flashes, for example, were during times when I would be warm naturally, but the hot flash makes it more extreme.  So it's not like you'll be standing outside in 32 degree temps and start sweating to death.  The irrational crying was during times when I would take something personal or be upset by something, but I am not a girl who cries easily, and this pill made me a sobber. After my 21 day blood t...

Back in March it had been 2.5 years since I had had a period.  I was on the pill until November 9th, 2012 and after that lost about 25 pounds as well as my monthly visitor.  I saw a gynocologist a year after that and she told me I was very thin and should put on more weight.  At the time, I was an avid runner and ate a little too healthy.  I wasn't trying to be too thin, I just enjoyed my lifestyle at the time.  This past March, I went to a gynocologist in Novi and he said it could be the fact that I was underweight or PCOS.  PCOS stands for polycystic ovarian syndrome.  Ofcourse I googled the shit out of it just to see what I could have.  After reading several articles, I had decided I didn't have it and probably just needed to put on some pounds.  A few weeks later I got a call saying I did have it.  PCOS is a tricky diagnosis because you can have all or some symptoms.  The only ones I had were that I was not ovulating and my horm...

After ten amazing years with the love of my life, at 30 and 32, we finally said our vows and made that lifelong comittment that already existed.  Our wedding day was everything we had hoped for and more.  The love between us as well as our loved ones was evident throughoiut the day and I will always cherish the memories made.  Our honeymoon continued our blissful state.  We drove to Holland, MI and then to Chicago and explored our favorite windy city.  Our life since then has been such a blessing.  After being together for ten years, I didn't know if being married would change anything.  I always knew I would love him forever and that this was it.  So to me, why would anything change after we sign a piece of paper?  It still amazes me how wrong I was.  Tim as a boyfriend and then fiance was always so sweet, affectionate, compelling, intelligent, and he challenged me to be a better person.  Tim as my husband is still all of those thi...