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A Beautiful Tiny Life

I must preface this by saying that the story does not end well. 

It began Saturday when I took a pregnancy test.  Tim and I did not expect anything from it, but were pleasantly surprised to see it was positive.  The tears, curse words, and hugs in the bathroom will always be cherished.  Being the skeptics that we are, I took two more tests Sunday at which both proved to be positive.  As you can imagine we were thrilled and loved our little peanut instantly.  Tim was convinced it was a girl and we even started calling her Josephine.  In the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't fully get my hopes up until I heard from the doctor.  I was spotting which is known as implantation bleeding.  This typically lasts 1-2 days.  Mine was beginning to last 3-4.  Everything I researched indicated this could lead to a miscarriage.  Monday after lunch, I began bleeding heavily and knew what I feared was happening.  Tuesday I saw the doctor and he was able to verify that I was in fact pregnant, but most likely going through a miscarriage.  My progesterone levels were very low which is an indicator.  He said because my HCG levels were still high ( a very common occurrence even after a miscarriage) so he could not give a confirmed yes to a miscarriage.  I had two more blood tests to monitor my hcg levels Wednesday and Friday which proved what we feared the most.  I can even tell you what day we lost her (assuming it could have been a girl).  I felt empty Wednesday.  There was a lot of clotting and pain and after it was over just emptiness.  Needless to say this week have proven to be quite difficult.  We were only 2-3 weeks along and only knew about it for a few short days, but we loved and still love our little one.  Not a day goes by that I don't ache for her and cry because I miss her, because I am sad her life was so short, because she was robbed of the opportunity to grace us all with her beautiful presence.  But I can't think that way forever.  I have to look at the positives which are that we can get pregnant.  I still think my body just needs time to maintain the healthy weight and have normal cycles.  I will always miss her, always love her, and always know she is in heaven.  

Once this cycle is complete, we will continue with 100 mg of Chlomid instead of 150 mg.  The 100 mg is what got us pregnant so our doctor doesn't want us to increase just yet.  So stay tuned for further updates in a month or so.   Until next time my friends.

P.S. I am attaching a beautiful poem that Tim to wrote to our little one.  It breaks my heart every time I read it but couldn't be more true.


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