Skip to main content

A Beautiful Tiny Life

I must preface this by saying that the story does not end well. 

It began Saturday when I took a pregnancy test.  Tim and I did not expect anything from it, but were pleasantly surprised to see it was positive.  The tears, curse words, and hugs in the bathroom will always be cherished.  Being the skeptics that we are, I took two more tests Sunday at which both proved to be positive.  As you can imagine we were thrilled and loved our little peanut instantly.  Tim was convinced it was a girl and we even started calling her Josephine.  In the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't fully get my hopes up until I heard from the doctor.  I was spotting which is known as implantation bleeding.  This typically lasts 1-2 days.  Mine was beginning to last 3-4.  Everything I researched indicated this could lead to a miscarriage.  Monday after lunch, I began bleeding heavily and knew what I feared was happening.  Tuesday I saw the doctor and he was able to verify that I was in fact pregnant, but most likely going through a miscarriage.  My progesterone levels were very low which is an indicator.  He said because my HCG levels were still high ( a very common occurrence even after a miscarriage) so he could not give a confirmed yes to a miscarriage.  I had two more blood tests to monitor my hcg levels Wednesday and Friday which proved what we feared the most.  I can even tell you what day we lost her (assuming it could have been a girl).  I felt empty Wednesday.  There was a lot of clotting and pain and after it was over just emptiness.  Needless to say this week have proven to be quite difficult.  We were only 2-3 weeks along and only knew about it for a few short days, but we loved and still love our little one.  Not a day goes by that I don't ache for her and cry because I miss her, because I am sad her life was so short, because she was robbed of the opportunity to grace us all with her beautiful presence.  But I can't think that way forever.  I have to look at the positives which are that we can get pregnant.  I still think my body just needs time to maintain the healthy weight and have normal cycles.  I will always miss her, always love her, and always know she is in heaven.  

Once this cycle is complete, we will continue with 100 mg of Chlomid instead of 150 mg.  The 100 mg is what got us pregnant so our doctor doesn't want us to increase just yet.  So stay tuned for further updates in a month or so.   Until next time my friends.

P.S. I am attaching a beautiful poem that Tim to wrote to our little one.  It breaks my heart every time I read it but couldn't be more true.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

We are Fighters

I didn't expect to have an update this soon, but what I need to realize is I need to stop having any expectations.  I have no clue which obstacles will continue, how high or low the hills will be, and there is not a single thing I can do about it.  The reason I say this is because I didn't think my appointment on Monday to have the ultrasound would be a big deal.  My husband, Tim, insisted my mom come with me since he had to work and I asked her even though I saw no point.  This wasn't supposed to be a big appointment and I already knew what the situation was.  I knew I had a heart-shaped uterus so what else was there to worry about?  Wrong again. As I'm sitting on the table with the nurse examining my lady business, I asked her what she saw.  Of course she played it safe and told me my doctor would go over everything with me.  She was nice about it, but it still annoyed me.  Just tell me already, no your not a doctor but you also know what you are looking at.  Luck
2 comments
Read more

New Beginnings

 I’ve been drafting this in my head for days. It has been 5 days since our second child was born and even typing the word “second” feels surreal and still selfish. The selfishness comes from when I was yearning for just one.  Looking back at my first post, I need to tell that girl that her journey would be long and there would be times she would feel hopeless, lost, and alone. I would also tell her she needs to be strong because each bump on this treacherous road would lead her to exactly where she was meant to be.  I am not going to lie and say I was ever truly confident during this pregnancy. I was terrified  all the time. It was a version of PTSD where I kept waiting for the loss to happen. That doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy and soak in carrying our second little one. I soaked in every minute, but I just made sure to leave enough of a guard up, just in case.  What I couldn’t have predicted was how successful this pregnancy would be. Every time I was met with a scare, this little one s
Post a Comment
Read more

A Competent Cervix Success Story After a LEEP and IVF

  We all know Dr. Google can be pretty negative when all we really want is to find some reassuring news. This was all I wanted when I found out that the combination of my LEEP procedure (scraping early Cancer off my cervix) and IVF can lead to an incompetent cervix. An incompetent cervix is when your cervix basically can’t handle pregnancy and you deliver early without typical contractions.  My OB informed me they would be monitoring every two weeks from weeks 16 - 24 to measure and make sure no folding occurs. What did I do the minute I got in the car? I searched for any success stories, which ended up being hard to come by. My hope is that my success story will reassure others.  Biweekly Monitoring If you find yourself in this situation, you’ll get to see your little every two weeks with cute ultrasound pics included. It was really nice getting extra face time with our growing peanut. We also got to see his heartbeat  and, after three losses, this was really reassuring. These ultraso
Post a Comment
Read more