Our Fertility Journey: Forever in My Heart-Waiting for the Day I Can Hold You in My Arms

Many of us have heard the common phrase, "There should be an app for that."  Well my friends, there is an abundance of fertility apps and if you are anything like me, you want to make sure you are using the best one.  I was using Period Diary, which did a good job of having me track my periods, estimate when I was fertile and ovulating, as well as track how I was feeling.  It wasn't until a co-worker, friend, and fellow TTC (trying to conceive) buddy helped me find one even better.  So if you are TTC, you need to download the Ovia Fertility app. This app not only tracks your period, fertility window, and ovulation, but does much, much more.  For starters, it gives you a fertility score which lets you know just how fertile you are depending on how far along in your cycle you are.  For those with complex cycles that may run less or greater than 28 days, it adjusts to your cycle so you can better plan.  It also has over hundreds of questions to help you...

I thought it fitting to have my first real fertility appointment with my new doctor during the week of my birthday.  It made sense with beginning a new year of life and I feel good about my doctor.  She was able to reassure me that it's okay and we can still get pregnant.  I think it's important to hear any positivity in these situations and any doctor who can provide that no matter the circumstance is a hero in my book. She not only reassured me with the fact that we did get pregnant, but also that she had her son at the age of 35, so this whole clock dwindling concept is silly.  I left that appointment with directions to get an HSG done which basically determines if your fallopian tubes flow properly and addresses my "upside down-heart-shaped uterus."  There is a much fancier term for it (bicornuate uterus), but I prefer my catchy phrase. The test was today and for those of you who have not experienced it, they tell you it feels like your worst period cram...

Courtesy of Buzzfeed Infertility Humor

My boss asked me the most random question yesterday.  She asked if I had any pets. I laughed and said no, then my co worker raved about her cat.  It was an interesting conversation to say the least.  It wasn't until a few minutes later when our other supervisor was handing out flowers to all of the mothers that I realized why she asked.  Even though I don't have a pet, I still got a flower.  It was so nice to be included. Fast forward to 5pm and I was balling on my car.  Why, you ask?  This was going to be my first Mother's Day and my heart was broken just thinking about it. It never occurred to me that this day would affect me so.  I feel terrible for not thinking of those who have lost their little ones on Mother's Day before.  So yes, Mother's Day will be more difficult this year, but I had a revelation this morning.  I'm still a mother.  Our baby was alive while inside of me and when he/she passed, he/she went to Heaven and i...

As I'm driving home from work today, I randomly think about my fertility app on my phone. I won't tell you that I actually updated my calendar while driving....but back to my point.  So I updated where my lovely lady business is in regards to ovulating and "aunt flow." Then this beautiful message pops up, your fertility window is open .  This may seem silly, but that phrase became a symbol of hope and new beginnings for me.  For you to understand why, I think some updates are in order. After the miscarriage and Christmas season, I made a decision to leave my job.  Something just clicked and I had to make a change.  I am not saying the job itself is what caused the miscarriage, but I do believe the lifestyle I was living did.  My job was almost 24-7 and I hadn't found a way to turn it off when I was home.  None of that was conducive to having a child.  So I searched for jobs I knew would still provide the mental challenge I yearned for, similar i...

My sweet husband randomly thought of a song that reminded him of our little angel.  He wanted to share that moment with me and we listened to it thinking of our little one.  I have to admit, I still break down when thinking of how much I miss her. (I'm still convinced it was a girl.). Below are the lyrics to the song.  Obviously, not all of it applies since we planned to be pregnant, but the sentiment is just as meaningful.  So to anyone out there who has been there.  I share this moment with you.  If you want to listen to the song, YouTube Ten by Yellowcard. S I found out in the fall I've been gone On the road for a year She said, "Honey, I've got real bad news" and Then there were just tears And we would never be the same again Since then I've often wondered What you might have been like How it would have felt to hold you, Would you have my eyes? Don't you think we would've been best friends? You would be ten and I'd be Driving you t...

I must preface this by saying that the story does not end well.  It began Saturday when I took a pregnancy test.  Tim and I did not expect anything from it, but were pleasantly surprised to see it was positive.  The tears, curse words, and hugs in the bathroom will always be cherished.  Being the skeptics that we are, I took two more tests Sunday at which both proved to be positive.  As you can imagine we were thrilled and loved our little peanut instantly.  Tim was convinced it was a girl and we even started calling her Josephine.  In the back of my mind, I knew I couldn't fully get my hopes up until I heard from the doctor.  I was spotting which is known as implantation bleeding.  This typically lasts 1-2 days.  Mine was beginning to last 3-4.  Everything I researched indicated this could lead to a miscarriage.  Monday after lunch, I began bleeding heavily and knew what I feared was happening.  Tuesday I saw the doctor a...